After playing on a loop in my mind the past 3 years, this short declaration quickly became my truth.
With everything going on in the world, it really doesn’t seem far from the truth, either. Even in my own life, there are so many challenges that have kept my creativity on the backburner with ease.
Within one year’s time, I became a devoted wife and first time stay-at-home mom. Shortly after that, I moved across the country – unexpectedly – for the second time in less than 2 years. I was juggling all of my business’s administrative tasks along with client work. I went from having head-to-toe spa days at home every week to barely finding time or energy to shower every day.
In short, time became my greatest asset and my biggest loss – or so I thought.
I felt that I needed to give my son all of my attention in order to be a good mother. This is not something I was raised to believe, but was an anxiety-inducing expectation ingrained in me after a traumatic hospital experience during his birth. On top of that, I knew that I also needed to show up for my husband, our household needs, and my clients.
It was easy to want to fully immerse myself into these responsibilities. I felt productive and accomplished, but I didn’t feel fulfilled. Creativity kept getting bumped lower and lower down the totem pole – not even a sliver in the pie chart of my 24-hour days.
Everyone kept telling me to give myself grace, but I couldn’t figure out what that meant for me. Once I dedicated time to figuring it out, I quickly learned that my issue wasn’t with time, but with attention.
So much of my attention was being poured into everything and everyone but myself, and I was suffering because of it.
Once I put my needs at the forefront, it was easier to find time for the things I knew I needed to do to show up as my best self. I was able to address my mental health and explore therapy. I stepped away from social media, leaving its overstimulation and comparison culture behind. I nurtured relationships that nurtured me. I learned to define and accept my new capacity. I started finding little pockets of breathing room where I could let my mind wander. It was in those free-thinking spaces that I was reminded how much creativity plays a role in my wholeness.
If I don’t create, I am frustrated and stressed, which leads to me staying up late scrolling on my phone or ordering late night meals I’ll regret the next day. If I don’t create, I am irritable and anxious, which makes me not want to leave the house or return my friend’s text messages. If I don’t create, I am unable to brainstorm new ideas, or pause to reflect on the work I’ve done elsewhere in life. If I don’t create, I’m not myself, and being anything other than myself is detrimental to everything and everyone I love.
Even when I am tired, even when I don’t have the time to do it, and even when it seems silly in the grand scheme of things. No matter how busy life gets, my creativity is always there, waiting for me near the top of my priorities for when I have the strength and focus to reach for it again.
Finally, it was time to change that truth I’d been telling myself. My art is important as long as I am important: always.
What negative narratives do you need to change in your life?
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